


my heart doesn't beat when you're gone

by melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme



Series: doctor/river ficlets :) [3]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Emotional, F/F, Idiots in Love, Post-Episode: s04e08-09 Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead, Post-Library River Song, Reunions, Spacewives Supreme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:41:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28067958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme/pseuds/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme
Summary: She still recalled the dazed way in which she stumbled to the nurses of the Infinite Schism, begging to see River and demanding that she be told what happened. The feline nurses gently patted her hand and assured her that River would be fine, but she needed immediate and careful attention, and subsequent procedures were to take over 80 hours at most.
Relationships: The Doctor/River Song, Thirteenth Doctor/River Song
Series: doctor/river ficlets :) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2033860
Comments: 12
Kudos: 76





	my heart doesn't beat when you're gone

**Author's Note:**

> another spacewives ficlet! it's like, why don't you write another full length fic already, nat?? hahahhaha *sideeyes prince/prostitute au*
> 
> Chapter title from Breathe by Little Mix

She never felt this self-conscious before.

Well, not when it came to River - _especially_ when it came to River. River loved her in every body before this and why shouldn't she do the same just because a few things changed down there?

Still, she couldn't help the niggle of doubt circling the back of her mind. She'd had over three days to prepare for this - for seeing her for the first time after the Library planet was set to self-destruct to prevent the Vashta Nerada from spreading beyond the planet.

She still recalled the dazed way in which she stumbled to the nurses of the Infinite Schism, begging to see River and demanding that she be told what happened. The feline nurses gently patted her hand and assured her that River would be fine, but she needed immediate and careful attention, and subsequent procedures were to take over 80 hours at most.

She was almost glad that she dropped off Yaz, Ryan and Graham before answering their call. She didn't know what she would say to them if they were here - explaining that she was married and that her wife had died - but apparently not - was not the conversation she wanted to be having right now.

And River - _River_. Her brilliant wife. Her clever, beautiful, utterly _amazing_ wife. She was here. Right here, somewhere in this hospital, weak and unsteady but wonderfully, blessedly _alive_.

The Doctor never, ever allowed herself to think what would happen if this happened again. Never allowed herself to hope - but oh, of course her amazing wife did the job herself. She never waited for anyone, least of all the Doctor. She ran on her own time, she followed her own plan, and the Doctor was never happier about that fact than she was now.

So when one of the nurses finally approached her to say that River was fine and resting in one of the rooms, the Doctor found herself trembling slightly as she walked slowly towards her. It was hard to comprehend that every step she took brought her closer and closer to the incredible reality that was River Song, alive. 

She looked down at herself and wondered if she would recognize her - she hadn't recognised her in her previous body. She didn't know that she's regenerated since Darillium. Would she be disappointed that she was a woman?

The Doctor doubted so - River never was that fussy about genders or sexuality, but she thought about it all the same. It was hard, she supposed, to predict how her wife would react after a century of not seeing her - longer, in the computer.

The door was slightly ajar as the Doctor approached the room cautiously. She didn't know why she shook with the anticipation of seeing River; couldn't understand why her hearts palpitated as if she were confronting some long sworn enemy. She just forced herself to look ahead, and she peeked inside the room.

She didn't consider herself the emotional kind. Compared to Bowtie, she was fairly in control of her feelings. She could hold her tears when she wanted to, stomp down her anger when she needed and feigned indifference countless times in front of the fam.

But the sight of River in the room, her hair spread on the pillow and sleeping, brought tears to her eyes instantly. Flashes of River sleeping in their bed in the Tardis, in their house in Darillium, in various hotels all over times and space flashed across her mind at a rapid pace.

She gripped the doorknob tighter and swallowed, breathing deeply. She watched, marvelled, as River's chest rose and fell as she took in deep breaths, and it was all the Doctor could do not to run to River and sob over her, to shake her and make her promise never to leave her side again.

Before the Doctor could even take a step, however, River stirred. The Doctor froze at the door, unable to move as River blinked blearily.

"Sweetie," she croaked, her voice rough and coarse. She barely seemed to notice her surroundings, her eyes hazy as they swept over the room, unseeing. "Sweetie, please."

She closed her eyes again.

The Doctor seemed to stumble forwards, flailing helplessly as she tried to cross the room in as little time as possible. Her vision was blurred by the tears rapidly building in her eyes and she collapsed by the side of River's bed, grasping onto a high-backed chair.

Her lips trembled as she looked over her wife and studied her closely. She was pale, so pale she looked almost ghost-like. Her lips were dry and chapped, and the hospital gown was overly large for her, but all the Doctor could see was her. River.

Hesitantly, she reached out to touch River's face. The instant she made contact with her skin, tears poured out of her eyes. She was warm. She was warm and real and _safe_ _._

Her hands trailed to her hair, combing the curly tresses out of her face and fanning it out neatly along her pillow, carefully avoiding the various tubes attached to her.

"Hello, sweetie." she whispered to her shakily. Her lips trembled as she tried to smile down at her wife, but the amount of tears she was producing made it impossible for her to appear happy in any way. "You're home."

Almost as though the Doctor's voice had awoken her, River started to stir again. This time her eyes blinked the haziness away and she focused immediately upon the Doctor, staring at her with a mixture of awe, happiness, relief and fear.

"Doctor," she croaked again, her voice still weak and hoarse. "Doctor, you've changed."

The Doctor looked down at her fondly, stroking her hair sweetly. "You haven't. Still getting yourself into trouble."

River smiled, and the Doctor felt her hearts soar at her expression. "Always." She looked the Doctor up and down. "A woman?"

The Doctor smiled hesitantly. "Like the upgrade?"

"It certainly doesn't bother me," River said. The Doctor is in awe at her ability to inject even an ounce of suggestiveness when she's lying in a hospital death, having nearly escaped the brush of death.

She beamed at her wife, sniffing slightly. "I'm glad you're here, River."

River nods. "Me too, darling."

"I should let you rest." the Doctor starts, reluctantly removing her hand from River's hair and replacing it by her side. "But I will be here, River. Whenever you need me, I promise I'll be right here until you're ready to go home."

"You don't need to stay, sweetie," River said, her voice getting weaker but her eyes more determined. "I promise I'll be just fine until you come back from whatever important business you've got going on."

"You're the important business, River," the Doctor replied. "You're important too. In fact, you're the most important business I have. Everyone else needs an appointment, you know?"

"Don't I feel special," she teased, but it was clear that the drowsiness was slowly taking hold of her again as her eyes started drooping slightly. "Doctor." she whispered, as she slid into slumber once more.

"Hmm?" the Doctor asked softly, reaching out to take River's hand in hers.

"I'm glad you're here."

**Author's Note:**

> i hope ya'll enjoyed it! pls give me validation 🥺


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